Taking the cake!

Dear Duff,
Hi, my name is Jill. My daughter Eliza is obsessed with your show Ace of Cakes. I started recording it because I liked it. Now I've seen it every day for about 2 years. I'm writing you to inform you that I need NEW EPISODES! I can't take it anymore. If you don't, I'm going to personally get up in your biznatch! I will pipe "I hate you" on your building with buttercream frosting! You dig?

Funny

I was behind this truck on my way home from work the other day. Just thought I would share.

Consumed with Giant Microbes.

The other day I was browsing through a Think Geek catalog for Trav for Father's Day (go figure), and I came upon the plush giant microbes. Now, Eliza has always been interested in the human body and when she grows up, she says she wants to be a vet or a doctor and I believe her. I've seen these at a local toy store and have always wondered if she would be interested in them. So I had her come over and look at them. She recognized one of them right away. She pointed to it and said, "that one gives you a tummy ache." I could only stare at her. She said, I remember a picture of it in one of my books. She went and got her Encyclopedia of the Human Body and low and behold turned right to the page of a picture of e-coli. I told her that was right and it does cause a stomachache. Trav just leaned over and said, "She's officially smart. Now she's fact-checking." I've read that book to her many times and didn't recognize any of them. We're in trouble with that one. It's making my stomach hurt, or maybe it's just e-coli.

I only wanted a glass of water!

Eliza likes to play a game called restaurant. She will take orders and painstakingly go to her room and construct what you order from construction paper. It's a great game that allows her to practice her writing and also be creative. Anyway, one night I told her that I would have a glass of water with my meal and she disappeared into her room preparing my order. Next thing I knew she brought me this. I thanked her and turned to Trav who was holding his breath to keep from laughing. Again, I think the sex talk is coming soon.

A Nipple Experiment

You know I've never really been crazy about kids, but I must admit mine is pretty cool. The other day Eliza was getting dressed for school and she started playing with her nipple.
She said, "Mommy, what's this," as she continued to flick it.
I said, "that's your nipple."
"Mommy, why is it getting bigger?"
"Put your shirt on. You're just cold."
I have a feeling this was just a preview of our sex talks.

The Dreaded Speakerphone

As you may know, my mom retired a couple of weeks ago. That's great! I'm really happy for her. Yada. Yada. Yada. Well, since then, things have gotten to be a little strange. I don't mean just ha ha strange. I'm talking, should we up her medication strange. First of all, I have to say that my parents are joined at the hip. I mean this literally. They do everything together, and while I appreciate this as their daughter, I find it a little disgusting too.
Well, now they've started taking a strength and flexibility (yoga) class at our church on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Good for them. They run errands together. They clean house together. And what brought on my concern, they have conversations together. I don't mean to each other. I mean I can't call their house without talking to both of them at the same time.
Mom answers: Hello?
Hey mom.
Dad (in the background): Hello.
And so on and so forth. She will walk too far from the phone and I'm like, what? 

And she'll say: Oh, did I go too far?
My favorite from yesterday was when dad went into a coughing fit in the background. Instead of picking up the receiver, mom said: Oh, can you hold on, Dad's having a coughing fit?
This is just weird.

Dog Walking 101

Cesar Milan is one of my heroes (The dog whisperer). He always says to be strong and assertive. Well, I try honest I do, but walking the dogs is like wrangling wild cattle. Our walks usually go like this:

Daisy: Tree!

Lucy: Where

Daisy: Right here! Walk in front of our human and see!

Me: Lucy, no!

After they get back in the groove:

Lucy: Dog!

Daisy: Where! Hmm, hmm! (Whine)

Lucy: I got it. I'm going to try to rip human's arm off!

Daisy: (Whine)

Me: Lucy, no! Get back here!

Daisy: Kids!

Lucy: They have a ball! Let's run like a bat out of hell!

Daisy: (Whine)

Lucy: I got it!

Me: Lucy, no!

By the time we get home I'm so worn out by trying to stay calm and assertive I barely care they have run back into the house and started chewing on Trav's underwear. I love dogs!

Obsessed much?

Okay. I really do have other things to talk about besides Edward and Twilight, but I just had to share. I was walking through Barnes and Noble today and noticed the shrine to Twilight table. I'm not kidding when I tell you that I came across this. Yes, a Robert Pattinson album. I also want to say that I did not buy it (believe me, I thought about it). My husband is threatened enough. So, I went to Amazon to check it out and this is what it said:

"Twilight's success has made Pattinson an icon to millions, swelling his obsessive fan base to overwhelming global proportions. Illustrated with a wealth of photographs; candid shots, film stills, and rarities, this book explores Robert's childhood in Barnes, his first forays into theatre, and his early television rolls. It details his thoughts on the making of Twilight, his passion for art and music, his feelings about sudden fame, and his plans for the future."

Well, let's just say it sort of made me feel better about my feelings for "Edward." I don't mind worshipping him from afar, but this to me just crossed the line.

Geek Chic

I would just like to address something that I've just realized. As I've gotten older (or old) whatever, anyway I now seem to have a type. I'd like to call it Geek Chic. These are men who are kind of geeky and also are awkwardly stylish. My husband is Geek Chic with dark hair, geeky glasses that nicely match his goatee. It's hot isn't it? Oh, Edward!

The Smackdown

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Settle the Argument

We have had this ongoing argument at work and I would like to hear your opinions.

Is it creepier to:

Kiss your dad on the mouth OR

Admiringly slap your grandma's ass?

Come on guys. This one's gotta end!

(Edward would know the answer.)

Let's talk Montesorri

We enrolled our daughter in Montessori school last October. We were having problems in our current school blah blah blah. She loves it. She fits in well. She has lots of friends. And yes, quite a few of the things they do are a little unconventional, but that's why we wanted her to go there. . . right? I got an email yesterday scheduling a parent teacher conference with us. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then, I got to work this morning and I had an email from the director containing a pdf that said it was Eliza's progress report to look over before the conference. No problem. I opened this thing up this afternoon and it is 16 pages. She's five! To top it off, some of the things they mentioned are just plain crazy. This is real.

Sort/classify objects according to attribute

  Knobbed cylinder A - Practiced

  Knobbed cylinder B - Practiced

Fill in metal insets with top to bottom, left to right lines

  Circle - Practiced

  Square - Presented

What is this crap? Can she read? Is she dumb? If she's mastered Rhyming, is she ready for college. There's even a category for basic skills and one of them was polishing silver. Come on! She won't get a lot of good out of that one at my house. This school has been great for her, but it's driving me insane!

A Mouse in Strawberry Fields

I first have to preface this story with some background. There is this woman where I work. We'll call her Kay. Kay is getting older and thus becoming a little crazy. She also likes to do random things just, in our opinion, to get attention. Well, yesterday Kay jumped out from behind her desk and screamed. She said she had seen a mouse. We all smiled and said okay and then talked behind her back all day about how crazy she is. Then a funny thing happened this morning. One of the guys on the other side of the room brought over a bag of chex mix. He pointed out the little hole in the bottom. We all said "that's weird." Then I looked down under my desk and noticed that one of my boxes of cereal also had a small hole. Now I'm freaked out. I emailed my boss and told her I'm on the bus with Krazy Kay believing there's a mouse. So, two things I learned today. Sometimes even crazy people are not. There's not a mouse in the world who could resist running through Strawberry Fields.

The zoo

My house usually feels like a zoo. I have 2 dogs, a cat, and a 5 year old named Eliza. There's barely a dull moment. Usually the dogs are fighting, and when they're not, Eliza keeps asking me to play with them. I don't know what to say. When she plays with them, it usually ends in her crying and me having to slap something. So, I say sure, since I was not brave enough to birth her a playmate who would, let's face it, make her cry too.

I should be sent to jail for animal abuse. Today Lucy, my puppy, was locked in her kennel all day in our bedroom watching VH1.

Then, I went into Eliza's bathroom and saw this. My life is so glamorous!

This is SO unlike me!

Okay. I don't get out much. So I thought it would be fun to have a "romance" party. You know, invite all of the other moms I know, who also don't get out much, over for some cocktails and passing around a few dildos, sharing a few laughs, you know, the stuff girls do when we're by ourselves. So I went to this website they've been advertising on the radio (not at work of course :)) and filled out the form. And no one called.

I filled out the form again. And no one called.

So I took matters into my own hands today and called. Of course the over-achieving girl who answers the phone for people to have sex parties directed me to the website (her job could be done by a machine.) I told her that didn't work for me. It never went through. So she preceded to take my information and said someone would contact me in 24 hours. Can you believe that? I was just made to feel dumb by some bimbo answering the phone arranging sex parties? Oh, the humanity!

Something very important to point out.

I want to begin by admitting my undying love for the Twilight Series. No, I'm not a freak. Yes, I know it's not real. But come on people. Who could not love Edward Cullen? I felt like it was only fair I mentioned this in the beginning for future reference.

Hello All! I'm now a blogger!

I guess it was only a matter of time until I became a blogger. Since I can't get a job in writing, I thought maybe it was better to just annoy people voluntarily, meaning they get to find me. Ha! Take that big ad agencies!

I guess I need to introduce myself. I'm a plain old middle class 30ish woman living in plain old middle America. I've been married to the same man for almost 10 years and we have a 5 year old daughter. My job is mediocre and so is my daily life. But I've resigned to taking on a challenge. I'm going to try to write everyday (almost) something I have learned that day.

Happy Blogging!